Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Earth Hour's for sissies - this is for the truely damned

A Canadian environmentalist group sheltering in a bunker say credit cards and food packaging bar codes are symbols carbon spewing culture, the official negotiating the release of children from the group said on Monday.

Around 30 followers, including four children, from across Ontario and neighboring Quebec met last October and barricaded themselves into a hillside to escape the global warming their local environmental activist leader says is looming in either April or May.

"They have burned their passports and say that all plastic (credit) cards and strip codes on food packaging are the work of capitalist carbon-producing pigs," the official told reporters.

David Suzuki said the people underground were in contact with him regularly, and would accept food only if it had not been processed with modern factory equipment.

"Right now they are asking for a cow so that they can have fresh, boiled milk that is not processed," he said.

He said progress was slow but local authorities were negotiating with the group to leave their refuge.

"They are so dedicated to my cause, I've had to try to persuade them that spring does contribute to the especially rapidly warming temperatures this time of year."

"In as much as their beliefs have been formed by intense social conditioning, convincing them to come out is not going to happen quickly," he said. "I've tried to persuade them that if they buy green products and donate to my foundation, we can eventually save the Earth."

On Friday the entrance to the bunker partially collapsed after rain and melting snow - a sure sign that the earth is heating up according to many observers - soaked the muddy hillside and the ground gave way.

Seven women were isolated from the rest of the group by the mudslide, and had to emerge from their shelter and seek refuge in a nearby home. The bunker is near the village of Coboconk, 160 km northeast of Toronto.

Environmentalists said the splinter sect of the green movement was formed by activist Wan A. B. Gore, who convinced members the world would end in April.

Gore did not join his followers underground, saying God had given him different tasks.


Honey Pot said...

That really is not that farfetched. I have came across end-of-the-world sects living out in the middle of nowhere.

A bunch came from Europe when I was kid and settled in the forest near our home.

They had thick accents, and seemed to be lacking in the basic skills of survial. It was lovely for them in the summer, swimming in the river, camp fires, and picking the mushrooms out of the cowshit paddies to make a meal.

They tried to drag, by hand, an old box car to the woods to live in. I remember everyone was laughing watching them, so my uncle fired up his timberjack and got it there for them.

We called them the box people after that. The term glowtard was not in our vocabulary, and we wouldn't have believed it anyway.

I remember it was hunting season and the box people spent their days running through the woods warning deer the hunters were coming. The RCMP told them to be wearing the orange vest and hat, or there was a good chance they were going to get shot.

We even put the orange vest on our goats, who liked to wander. To us that was just common sense, something the box people were lacking.

Winter set in and I am sure box people hadn't expierenced a real one before in their lives.

Everyone was feeling bad for them, living in their box car, and lean to shelters. They used an old oil drum to heat the box car, but didn't know the difference between soft and hard wood, and that wasn't working out well for them.

The townsfolk sent a delegation to the box people telling them they were foolish, and they should come in to town to live for the winter.

The box people we're very stubborn, so people took food and clothes to them and left it at the box car door.

One of the box girls got pregnant and she did move into town. She kind of liked it, and never went back to the box.

They made it through the winter, but when spring came they started coming around seeking work on local farms.

It seems when they got used to seeing people living normal like, they forgot about their box car, and sought out other lodgings, with basic things like toilets and heat.

I do believe the glowtards, like the box people, have this romantic vision of living off the land.

It is all fun and games until the winter kicks in.

T. F. Stern said...

Al was in Vegas dressed as Elvis; but now he's on a plane shooting photographs of the ice shelf which broke off. Later he plans to visit Hawaii to monitor heat generated by volcanic activity; but only those near SUV sites and then he has to get back to Vegas for another show.

natasha said...

Oh, Hallelujah!

Open your wallets, give to the Church of Suzuki, and ye (and the planet) shall be saved. Can I get an AMEN?

All hail Prophet Suzuki!

April Fool's - right?