Monday, May 25, 2009

Up With Cola

Lead and other synapse-impeding heavy metals? In London's tap water? Get outta here.

There better be some sugar in the clear liquid in that bottle, boy, or you're coming downtown.

No. It can't be the lead we all drank for so many years that's making people think this way. Lead impairs learning, and this sort of thing just has to be learned. With an uncountable infinity of stupid ideas out there, the odds are against any one person thinking up something so retarded on their own. It would be a cosmically unlikely confluence of random events for 39% of the population to do so.

No; we all know that a hidden hand, a hidden mover, pulls these strings. Get your flaming torches and pitchforks ready, because I am about to name names.

Clearly the fundamentalist religious bigots at the United Church have been at work, spreading their hideous doctrines through our schools and media. It has gotten to the point where 39% of the population apes their nonsense -- most without even realizing its provenance.

It is time for the United Church and its dupes to learn to respect the rights of atheists and others who don't kowtow to their outdated, authoritarian, patriarchal theology. Hands off our bodies! Hands off our right to choose!