Monday, November 19, 2007

Buy Nothing Day: Set Tasers On "Stun"!

Store owners across North America have become accustomed to enjoying Buy Nothing Day as a respite from the presence of unsightly, surly poor people in their establishments -- and the shoplifting they inevitably bring.

Started as a marketing initiative by the philosemitic "Ad-Buster" magazine, Buy Nothing Day was once welcomed by business and capital as a day on which activists refrained from bringing their dangerous attitudes and subversive views of capitalism into friendly establishments. But now, Buy Nothing Day has begun to turn into something more sinister. London Fog food security and poverty studies expert Karl Hammer is warning local businesses of an upcoming potluck dinner of stolen food to be held in London to celebrate the day. This new tradition may require a greater vigilance from capital.

For those who don't know how a freegan potluck is different from a regular potluck here are the ground rules. You can't buy any of the food you bring! Seems fitting for buy nothing day. You can't cop out and just buy everything you plan on consuming the day before. This means that you will need to gather, grow, salvage, be given, or steal the food that you bring to the potluck.
"For many activists in London, stealing food may be the only way to get through another day without terrible munchies -- especially on a day on which they have sworn not to contribute to the economy." says Hammer. "It's important for socially aware businesses to recognize this, and to prepare accordingly."

Hammer warns local businesses and fat-cats to be on the lookout for Buy Nothing Day participants.

"Most are posers, slumming for psychological rather than financial reasons. Essentially, none are actually poor in any meaningful sense. All have education, youth, weed, and access to computers. The normal profile is that of a confused senior adolescent with a chip on the shoulder who has been given an excuse for that chip by this or that fifth-generation Marxist theology. Often, these individuals visibly identify with mass marketing brand-loyalty initiatives such as 'Hip Hop', or 'Punk Rock'. We need to be understanding, but above all, we need to be vigilant."

Hammer suggests businesses keep a close watch on consumers fitting this profile. However, Hammer also warns that it may be impossible to distinguish honest, starving poor people looking for a good deal, from troubled young activists looking to steal food from the mouths of entrepreneurs' children. Businesses need to be prepared to deal with both equally harshly to discourage theft.

"At the end of the day, preventing shoplifting is every business' job. We can't be too careful defending the privileges of capital."

Hammer recommends the Taser Industries KK-46 for retail defence against activationists and the poor. The effects are more humane than popular misconception would hold.

"Buy Nothing Day participants, and certainly poor people, do not suffer as much as ordinary people when tased. Their relative lack of electrolytes makes the shock less severe than would be experienced by a normally functioning member of the economy."

As part of The London Fog's Community Outreach Gathering Series (COGS), Karl Hammer will be offering a workshop for local retailers interested in the more theoretical side of poverty studies. Topics will include:

  • Learn the danger signs of starvation -- every second counts when ejecting a potential offender!
  • Taser operation from basic to intermediate
  • Distracting our most vulnerable with frightening noises as a means of warding them off
  • The 3 T's of dealing with the hungry and disadvantaged: "Tsk", taser, truncheon

The workshop to be held at the Community Caring Sugar Shack on Queens Avenue. Email the London Fog for further details.


Anonymous said...

I don't understand. Is this supposed to be funny?

NIAC said...

I actually wrote a lengthy comment, but something at snapped, the comment was lost, and it logged me out.

SO, I assume that the Fates would rather I not bore anyone with what I wrote.

I will summarize what I was going to post with this: To those who understand the BND and BNXmas, and how those with meagre means are affected by Xmas, yes, there was sad satire in that.

Elaine said... that is funny.

It sort of reminds me of the time Corrgi, or was it Whineger, who was on city council at the time, dressed up in ghetto garb and pretended he was homeless for a few days.

For us who are cheap, buying nothing days are usually the seven days between paycheques.

I am liking this glowtardian movement in some ways. People can't sit around and call you cheap any longer, even if you show up at their house xmas eve with a half a coconut filled with mother earth and a sprinkle of grass seed as a gift.

No more nasty looks, and knowing they are going to be talking about you when you drink all their homemade beer, and cheap wine this year. They got to celebrate their glowtardiness and everyone else's.

marginalizedactiondinosaur said...

because too many people call it anything but Christmas I called all of my friends and got them both to agree that we would not buy anything for each other.

Since we were all christian they agreed.

Buying nothing is real easy since I hate shopping, but it's easier not to when stores tell me to greet the season and never say if it's fall or winter.

Elaine said...

I always say I am not going to buy, but I always do. I feel it is my way of keeping the economy going. I think the economy is a good thing to keep going.

Females tend to buy more stuff then men. I think it is genetic in most of us females. We have a buy gene.

I tend to buy those overpriced ugly things made in Canadian factories, because I am so patriotic.

You know those sweaters with one arm sleeve long enough to fit Andr'e the Giant. I always give that to whoever happens to be Mr. Rightnow, at xmas time.

eng said...

How can you not buy anything on one day? If you have any kind of loan, the interest accrues, so you have bought something. If you buy your food, you are living off food from the day before, or will be hungry tomorrow, so the food expense accrues that day, and you have effectively bought something.

You might choose to pay for it on a different day, but this is no different than what any furniture store does.

Elaine said...

eng I was reading about this movement, called minimalist. It was years ago, and I can't remember the book. It said there will come a time when people looked around them and just thought to themselves, I don't need all this junk. We all do that from time to time. I never thought it would become a collective movement.

It is somewhat like a prophecy coming to be, and a clashing of ideas now.

The libertarians who want minimum government, with mankinds free will as the guiding force.

The glowtardians who want minimum products produced, their movement forced by government.

Both want bare essentials, the essentials just different. I think it is interesting to watch.

Elaine said...

Is anyone into crashing their freaking potluck, and confiscating their food? They are just a band of peace loving thieves.

Like what would they do if we just went in and took it, told them to kiss our asses on the way out the door?

Anonymous said...

It should be called "lets remember society be fore civilization", as humans would steal before the invention of trade and civilization.

Mike said...

Like what would they do if we just went in and took it, told them to kiss our asses on the way out the door?

I used to do stuff like that when people told me they didn't believe in private property, as an always-effective demonstration that they didn't actually believe what they were saying. I took a bag of chips, a calculator, and other things off the table and out of handbags.

It works, but the bizarre part is that, for some reason, people tend to get mad at you for it. If you don't believe in property... why get mad?

Elaine said...

...ah, coz they are hypocrites. It is not their stuff that is up for grabs, it is everyone elses.

I was laughing when I was reading about one of the socialist, on the London commie site, got their bike stolen. They were so angry. Not once did they break down with that ..." they must have needed that bike more than me, because they stole it."

I am glad in a way that they really don't believe that shit, and are just grinding it out to keep their suckhole socialist jobs.

People who are devoid of logic, those are the one's who give me the jiggy's.