Saturday, April 21, 2007

Sheryl Crow recommends toilet paper rationing

Via Hot Air, "Green Earth = Brown Hand": Sheryl Crow recommends reducing the number of squares of toilet paper you use to save the forest. (HT: Curmudgeonly Skeptical)

Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. One of my favorites is in the area of forest conservation which we heavily rely on for oxygen. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required. When presenting this idea to my younger brother, who's judgment I trust implicitly, he proposed taking it one step further. I believe his quote was, "how bout just washing the one square out."
One ply or two? I'm surprised she isn't following the example of these people, who have stopped using toilet paper completely. Better start stocking up folks, just in case.

cp: Dust My Broom

CRITICAL EARTH DAY UPDATE: YouTube provides the solution.


Jake said...

Ether we all use toilet paper or we switch to bidets. Then they will complain about wasting water.

mariposa said...

The no-toilet paper people make me nauseous. Human (and animal) waste is full of bacteria. One of the easiest ways to spread germs is to flush a toilet full of shit with the lid up. It acts as an aerosol spray of feces that we then inhale. And these eco-freaks are pooping in a pail and then what? Spritzing their assholes and air drying? It's beyond disgusting!

As for Crow's nonsense,
"I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting."
So what is she proposing? Cameras in all bathrooms including private homes in order to monitor how much TP we use? I use exactly what it takes - no more, no less. Nobody is going to regulate what I use!

Fucking freaks!

mariposa said...

I think I finally see why germophobe Howie Mandel refuses to shake hands with anyone.

With more of these eco-freaks jumping on the shit wagon, I think he's got the right idea.

Reg said...

I proudly buy 3 ply. It makes me feel rich and powerful.

mariposa said...

3 ply? Is there such a thing?

I should have clarified earlier when I talked about "human (and animal) waste". When I said animal, I was thinking of people who compost their pets' shit (cat feces contain pathogens that can cause miscarriages which is why pregnant women should not be cleaning a cat's litter box).

Of course, people use cow and sheep manure (well composted) on their farms and gardens. I don't but some do.

Anyway, Crow's proposed TP limit irks me. These liberal eco-freaks are a huge threat to democratic freedom. They want to regulate everything!

Fenris Badwulf said...

Think of all the jobs this would create. Actually, think is the wrong verb, how about Imagine all the jobs this would create.

First, we need to plan the planning. No plan can work without a preliminary study, and that study needs a plan. The plan needs some office space, a large table, and paper, a photo copier, computers, a coffee maker, and a fridge for water and creme.

Staff need to be hired and administered. Payroll clerks and a human resources manager, for a start. Then a computer technician to find lost files and set up printer settings.

This is getting me all excited.

eng said...

I think the TP police would find it difficult to enforce the paper limit, let alone the problems said police would have with recruitment. "My name's Friday. I carry a scoop. We just want the facts ma'am."

Still, it is always a good idea to be open to alternatives. What do people in other countries use? In places where they do not use flush toilets, pooping in a pail will not have the fecal aerosol effect that flushing a toilet will cause.

Too bad the article about the no-toilet paper people was too squeamish to describe the process in a little more detail, because some vague passing mention of water and air drying didn't really explain anything.

They described things I do, like composting and trying to eat local, but I use a refrigerator and have decided that for my current living arrangement that refrigerating food works better. The lack of discussion of how they operate a no paper toilet means I cannot rationally look at what I can change in my lifestyle with only the amount of inconvenience I am willing to tolerate. Contrast that with more discussion of the kitchen. Composting is pretty minimal inconvenience, while making one's own bread is mostly practical for people who cook a lot anyway.

It reminds me of a joke we'd tell each other as kids. I don't remember it exactly, but you start shaking hands with someone, and talk about how you are from Mars and you ask various questions about life on Earth. You continue shaking hands, and eventually you ask what they use to wipe their bum after they use the bathroom. Usually they give some brand of toilet paper, and then you say "Oh, on Mars we use our hand", as you continue shaking hands.

Ok, it was funny at age 8.

Reg said...

3 Ply:

Elaine said...

The glowtards are out of their minds. They will be bringing back every freakin' dose known to man. They will be dying from some sort of ass and paw disease. I am no epidemiologist, but I know there is a good reason they suggest you wipe your ass with toilet paper, and wash your hands with hot water and soap immediately after.

Anonymous said...

If Cheryl will come and wipe my butt using her recommendation, I'll go for it.

mariposa said...

Ok, that YouTube video - that guy was joking, right? He had to be. I'm definitely reconsidering ever shaking hands again! And wow - I love that 3-ply. I feel so deprived; I didn't even know there was such a thing.

Elaine said...

Honey Pot says....

Now there is a good business for some entrepreneurial glowtard to start. Mobile asswiping. They could go door to door on their bicyles and gather up all the old newspapers and magazines. At each home they could offer to wipe the asses of the residents with their stash.$1.00 for a magazine wipe, and $1.50, for the softer newspaper print. I think you could make a pretty good living at that if you applied yourself to the task at hand.

Anonymous said...

This idea is so idiotic, I'm wondering if she meant it tongue-in-cheek.

But then again, she's said some pretty ludicrous stuff in the past.

Anonymous said...

Maybe her ?%#* doesn't stink

eng said...

All she wanted to do was have some fun.
Seems she fooled you, you're not the only ones.

Jay said...

Don't miss the Crow concert rider at TSG.

Anonymous said...

I think there's a business oportunity here.

Obviously we can't monitor people in the stall, that would be way too much invasion of privacy.

So I propose there be a national average of toilet paper use per person per year (the amount to be calculated based on a consensus of scientists, of course).

This will result in some people using more toilet paper and some less. Those that are under the average can then sell their saving as "toilet paper offsets" to those that use too much.

If Gore can buy CO2 offsets, I can sell toilet-paper offsets...

Who's with me?

Anonymous said...

I am so embarassed that Sheryl Crow is from Missouri that I had to post this anonomously. Please, world, do not hold her stupidity against the rest of us in Missouri.

Mike L said...

Perhaps Ms. Crowe should promote the practice common in the Muslim World - No toilet paper ... come on Sheryl, go out on the limb, set the example of doing not just vomiting ideas to the world as if you were some kind of legitimate voice .... wipe your ass with your hands Sheryl ... lead by example from 60,000 feet in your private jets, your limosines, your multiple plush mansions ... no really, your just like us little people ... with an entourage!

Anonymous said...

I'm familiar with this custom; some people call it a "joke."

The part about washing the one square out is a bit of a dead giveaway.

Lisa said...

Today's joke is possibly tomorrow's tragic reality.

basil said...

I thought Al Gore was a joke.

The part in An Inconvenient Truth about growing up on a cattle ranch was a dead give away.

Edward said...

Obviously she's a corprophiliac and wants us all to lick each other clean. Probably why Lance dropped her. But I see that she and Laurie seem to be enjoying each other very nuch.

CraftyGuy said...

Nice to know we won't be running out of freaks for the freak-show parade!

First Michael Moore, then Al Gore, and now Sheryl Crowe with her dainty, little, "one square" ass... sheesh!

Kashmir Page said...

My grandmother would have loved Sheryl Crow. She had a "three-square" rule--by which I never personally abided. Needless to say, I've been laughing my ass off at this all day! It's no wonder I hate uber-Liberals! They suck!

I'm all for taking care of the environment, but come up with something that makes sense.

Anonymous said...

I like to sit on the side of the tub after doing "no.2" and use soap and water to wash my too-too. I can't go through the day without doing this!I told my girlfriend this over at and she said she does the same thing, I thought only I did this? Anyone else do this?

Elaine said...

Don't be getting to hooked on that selfish indulgence because soap and water will be the next items on the glowtards list to be banned. The only soap that will be allowed to be used is the soap made by some glowtard tribe consisting of goat piss and sand.

Elaine said...


How often do you shower?

DION: "Once a month."

MAY: "Once every two months."

LAYTON: "Once every six months."

How long do you leave the water on when showering?

DION: "Four seconds. I have a stopwatch."

MAY: "Three seconds, and just a dribble."

LAYTON: "Two seconds, also a dribble, and cold water, not heated."

Do you use under-arm deodorant?

DION: "Never. Bad for the atmosphere."

MAY: "I place rose petals from my garden under my arms."

LAYTON: "I'm NDP, we don't smell."

Do you use a stove for cooking?

DION: "Never. I don't have a stove. I eat only vegetables raw from my garden."

MAY: "Same with me."

LAYTON: "Same with me."

How often do you barbecue when not eating the raw vegetables from the garden?

DION: "All the time. All seasons. Gas barbecue, but bronze, unleaded fuel."

MAY: "Never. I eat only the raw vegetables."

LAYTON: "I have a special NDP barbecue that runs on liquid radishes, no pollution."

How long do you leave your home lights on?

DION: "Never in daytime, and next week I'm going to fumeless candles during the dark hours."

MAY: "I'm going to fumeless candles starting tomorrow."

LAYTON: "Starting later today I won't be using lights or fumeless candles, I'm NDP, I've discovered I can see clearly in the dark."

Do you use up electrical energy by watching TV, listening to the radio?

DION: "Never. I don't watch TV, don't listen to the radio, just read newspapers."

MAY: "I've never owned a TV or radio."

LAYTON: "A TV, a radio -- what are they, anyway?"

How often do you take your suits, shirts, and dresses to the dry cleaners where electricity is consumed to press them?

DION: "Never. I put my shirts and suits under my mattress."

MAY: "I wear wrinkle-free, non-soiling dresses."

LAYTON: "I make by hand my non-wrinkle, non-soiling clothes from organic matter in my garden, but since electricity is used in the manufacture of clothing, an NDP government would introduce legislation requiring Canadians to go naked during the warm months of the year."

Thank you, all.

DION, MAY, LAYTON: "Celebrate Earth Day everyday / Celebrate Earth Day everyday. Celebrate land and sea / Celebrate you and me. Celebrate Earth Day everyday."

Anonymous said...

Toilette paper as in toilette paper made from managed forests? Forests that are planted and harvested with fastest growing trees (i.e. most oxygen production). Here's an interesting post that mentions that mature trees do not produce net oxygen.
If anything, we should be using more toilette paper to sequester more carbon dioxide.

Mandy said...

I agree that we should try to limit how much toilet paper we use, in order to avoid wastage, but one square per sitting is absurd. I mean, if you're going to end up cleaning yourself with your hand, why bother to use TP. It's just a waste of that one square.

Anonymous said...

Sheryl obviously never eats at Taco Bell...

Elaine said...

I wish I had the time. I would follow the glowtards around to just see what they did purchase. Imagine catching one of them with a 24 pack of two-ply, or sanitary napkins.

I had to buy some of that stuff last night, and instead of trying to hide the fact that I am human, and need to purchase toilet paper and kotex, I didn't even get them put in a bag. I was waving them around in the parking lot, as if they were badges of courage. It gave me a sense of freedom and rebellion at the same time. I never thought a day would come where toilet paper and kotex symbolized freedom to me.

Anonymous said...

No, really, that this is taken as a serious comment at all is a testament to the gullibility of the audience.

The audience now applauding its own ability to hate liberals, that is.

funk m. said...

Her secret is this:
Before each meal, she eats a Ziploc baggie. Then whenever she has to poo, it comes out in a nice sealed baggie - no muss, no fuss, no messy clean up...

Meatgrinder_Malone said...

Wipe Up With One (sung to the tune of ‘Soak Up the Sun’ by Sheryl Crow)

I am a communist
Don’t need to use the TP
One square to wipe my ass
Every time I’m on the potty
I don't need more than one
When I go piddly squat
No wiping with a wad,
I wipe with what I've got

I'm gonna wipe up with one
Gonna tell everyone
To do the same (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I think that you are to blame
Even though it sounds lame
I’ve gone insane so I’m gonna wipe up with one
I'm gonna wipe up with one..

I've got a smelly hand
No one will shake it
I guess I’ll just wear gloves
To win me some of your love

Every time I turn around
You listen up, you stupid clown
I think something's wrong with you
That makes you wipe the way you do


I'm gonna wipe up with one
It shouldn’t be free
I'm gonna wipe up with one
Now you all listen to me

Don't have no friggin clue
But I am the king of you
You have a fancy ride, but baby
Inside it sure smells funky

Every time I turn around
I stink it up, my shorts are brown
Maybe something's wrong with YOU
That makes you smell the way you do
Maybe I should wipe with two..


I'm gonna wipe up with one
Got my Desitin on
So I can stink on.

Anonymous said...

she's lost her MIND! read what else she said!
Crow (4/19): I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefulness. I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a "dining sleeve." The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold.

Crow (4/19): This next idea I have been saving but I will share it with you if you promise not to steal it. It is my latest, very exciting idea for creating incentive for us all to minimize our own personal carbon footprints. It's a reality show. (I feel pretty certain NO ONE has thought of this yet!) Here is the premise: the contest consists of 10 people who are competing for the top spot as the person who lives the "greenest" life. This will be reflected in the contestant's home, his business, and his own personal living style. The winner of this challenging, prestigious, contest would receive what??. . . . a recording contract!!!!!

wipe your mouth and nose on your changable sleeve?! whoever is the GREENIST will win a RECORDING CONTRACT???! who's to say the GREENIST can ever SING! OMG!

Anonymous said...

can EVEN sing I meant- but geez this is NUTSO!
is this FOR REAL???!
just me again- anonymous from above

rare_red_austinite said...

Now we know the dirty story behind Lance leaving Sheryl... she nagged him too much about how much toilet paper he was using.