Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Teach Them About Socialism

Often, because of my past experience as a minister, people ask me how we can reach the unreachable and share with them the doctorines of conservativism. I am often reminded of a work my Big Brother gave to me called Teach them about Socialism! For the benefit of those so kind as to write and ask for my advice, I will present some of the more inspiring lessons from this work to teach you just how to reach your Michael Moore reading friends.

Chapter One: Getting serious about Socialism

In the first session you:
- present an overview of the course
- begin teaching via drama
- discuss the reality of Socialism

Your friends come in. They see you standing there, waiting. The smile on your face, and relaxed manner betray a confident authority. Why? You have successfully put Socialim to flight. That is the source of your confidence. Your friends can feel confidence radiating from you. You know what you are doing and it shows.

"Good morning my friends. Today we begin one of the most rewarding studies a conservative can undertake, and one of the most serious too. Our first session is called . . . Get serious about Socialism! All through history there have been great men serious about Socialism. One of the most notable was Martin Luther."

It is no secret that Martin Luther drank wine and beer to excess. On one occasion in 1529, in the company of a friend, he consumed so much wine it nearly caused his death. During one of his bouts with the bottle, it seemed Karl Marx had entered his room and stood there with a smirk on his face. He apparently felt no need to accuse Martin Luther, his drunken condition was evidence enough. Whereupon Luther seized an inwell and hurled it at the tempter. "Get out of here," he said. "In Christ's Name I will drink even more!"

Now we may not approve of Luther's handling of his liquor problem, but we can't say Socialism wasn't real to him. Marx has to be real to anyone who starts throwing things at him. We won't be learning the inkwell-method, but we will be learning the direct-encounter-method of dealing with Socialists. We'll regard Socialists as seriously as did Luther. We're even going to be business-like about it. So to get us started I will now pass out a prospectus for each of you. It will show you what to expect in the weeks ahead.