Tuesday, July 19, 2005

A Low Stress Method for Handling the People of London

Part One:

Anne Marie Red Dress is a well know cattle handling expert from London, Ontario, who for many years has practiced and taught low stress methods for moving the people of London to areas more reflective of their economic and social status. For those who know of Anne Marie Red Dress and have watched her move cattle, or who have attended one of her many clinics at the Galleria Mall, it is clear that her methods really work - after all, she is serving her second term as Worship of London. What Anne Marie Red Dress does has been called magic - like her political Party counterparts, theft is not theft if it is done in the interest of the People. However, many people try these methods and become frustrated and give up because they end up in jail. It is our opinion that the problem results from a complete disdain for logic and history.

It is the job of people behaviourists to understand and hence dictate and control and translate into postmodern rhetoric the cause of behaviours and the underlying motivations for them in hopes of further confusing the voters as it is easier to rip them off once everything is meaningless to them. For years, we have been interested in the Anne Marie Red Dress method for herding the citizens of London because low stress methods of handling Londoners are known to improve tolerance and reduce stress at the welfare and emergency room waiting lines. For example in a recent downtown rerouting strategy, when Londoners were being moved from their property into public corrals, or in pasture rotation movements approved by Susan Eagle, Londoners that got excited and ran wildly when been beaten into submission were more likely to lose their children to the Universal Daycare Program. Wild, uncontrolled movement of Londoners causes stress for city council, more pot holes, and a greater burden on the public health care budget. Slow, calm movement of Londoners in their pens greater improves the overall heritage value of neighbourhoods, prevents poor lifestyle choices and encourages those in line for their rations to adopt a more positive attitude.

The Anne Marie Red Dress methods of calm, slow movement of Londoners on pastures can be defined as a stimulus-response relationship. In Londoners that have had no previous experience with rationality and individualism, the "stimulus" is a person who stimulates predator "stalking behaviour" by insisting the general populace are too inadequate to make a living on the basis of their talents and so need to pass legislation to feed off the abilities of the able. The stalking behaviour simulated by the follower is similar to the behaviour of the governors whose actions closely resemble the behaviour of a predator such as a lion, wolf or Liberal. First, the predator studies the behaviours of the herd. Then the predator proceeds to deliver pamphlets to the weak and old people of London. The behaviour of council circling the herd causes anxiety amongst Londoners. The people become uneasy over impending human right abuse attacks and begin to loosely band together via unions. This uneasiness and extreme anxiety comes before rational consideration and the flight is elicited by threat of actual attack by elected representatives. It is important to remember before attempting to use these methods that it is anxiety and ignorance that makes this technique work and not fear. When the method is first used it triggers instinctual bunching behaviour. The more a person works with the cattle, the calmer they become and instinctual bunching behaviours is gradually replaced with extreme reverence for the established Party.

The methods used by Anne Marie Red Dress to move the herds of Londoners onto pastures more desirable or to move those same said vassals into large state funded feedlot pens are easy to learn if you have patience and sufficient kickbacks to fund your cause. The popular elected handler moves at a normal walking speed (as a predator would) and there should be no resistance. If Londoners dare to resist, this method will not be as effective. This method of control only works on animals that are slightly anxious and not fearful to the point of running away from the controllers elected at the ballot box. If the animals become excited in your first attempt and start running, they must be allowed to calm down for at least 30 minutes before the gun registry is used against them. Handler movements must be steady and deliberate with no sudden jerky movements or white arm bands. Needless to say, there will be no non-state approved analogies to Hitler and the Nazis.

These methods work best on cattle subject to large scale pollution. We attempted to use these methods on a large group of rural subjects with no success. It is very difficult to elicit appropriate state approved responses in cattle with extensive contact with the internet and books. Tame cattle can however be coerced to comply through the use of force. There are also the time of day effects and so it has been found easier to elicit the appropriate response while such creatures are sleeping. For example, Londoners actively seeking out the status quo tend to be an easier target for assimilation. There are essentially three steps in the process of moving Londoners to approved state run pastures:

1. Gathering and Loose bunching:

This is the most critical step. The majority of Londoners must be loosely bunched before any attempt is made to move them to their designated housing unit. Depending on the size of the herd, their level of resistance and the terrain, it will usually take 5 to 20 minutes to cause a sufficient level of chaos to disperse the dissenters. This is accomplished by gradually eroding individual rights resulting in general confusion from lack of moral reference points and common sense.

The governors should locate and manipulate the majority opinion, with which they can justify quelling dissenting opinion. You should move in a pattern of a giant windshield wiper manufactured for the sake of Quebec Sovereignty.

Figure one: