Friday, April 22, 2005

Gotta monkey on my back

Cigarette manufacturers say there's no salvation in a potential new cigarette market which has made recent headlines.

"While we were excited about the possibilty of chimpanzees moving closer to human beings on the evolutionary scale, we've found that most of these other primates just don't have any money to support their habit, and that doesn't help the tobacco industry" tobacco expert, Joe Camel, was reported as saying.

While Camel denied he is a speciesist, he insists that chimps are not ready to acquire tobacco addiction.

Many experts feel that chimps are only now reaching a level of sophistication in which they can enjoy tobacco products.

"But take the source of the newly acquired vice away and these guys revert to simple primates."

Camel points to the recent case of celebrity chimp Charley.

He started smoking after picking up a pack of cigarettes that were thrown into his enclosure.
. . .
The chimp is now apparently addicted.
"Charley is already depending on hand outs from others. And they can do that at first, before addiction takes hold. But once the chimp becomes an addict he changes all together."

Camel says the already beleaguered tobacco industry cannot afford to rely on a market which is got such a negative image. "It would be like using pit bulls to sell tranquilizers."

And with the recent publicity given the cigarette industry's new poster child, things aren't looking to improve for chimpanzees.

"What we are afraid of, is that once these chimps get hooked, especially after seeing the celebrities like Charley, they will be shamelessly harrassing zoo-goers to feed their desperate habit.

"Once chimps start smoking on a large scale, there just won't be enough fully human smokers left to support the habit."