Sunday, December 12, 2004

While others try to redefine marriage to include new and unorthodox combinations, some of us still need a little help finding a more traditional wife

The Bible's Top 5 Ways to Get a Wife

If you're having trouble finding that special someone for a lifetime commitment, read the Bible.

The Web site, a bi-weekly reflection on world headlines from a religious point of view, offers a very unusual list of 15 biblical ways to find a wife. Here are five of them. There's just one problem: You might not want to try this in the 21st century.

1. Marry a captive woman.
"Suppose you see among the captives a beautiful woman whom you desire and want to marry, and so you bring her home to your house: she shall shave her head, pare her nails, discard her captive's garb, and shall remain in your house a full month, mourning for her father and mother; after that you may go into her and be her husband, and she shall be your wife."
--Deuteronomy 21:11-13

2. Marry a prostitute.
"When the Lord first spoke through Hosea, the Lord said to Hosea, "Go, take for yourself a wife of whoredom and have children of whoredom, for the land commits great whoredom by forsaking the Lord. So he went and took Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son."
--Hosea 1:2-3

3. Find a man with seven daughters and then impress him.
"The priest of Midian had seven daughters. They came to draw water, and filled the troughs to water their father's flock. But some shepherds came and drove them away. Moses got up and came to their defense and watered their flock." When the father found out what Moses had done, he told his daughters to invite him to break bread. "Moses agreed to stay with the man, and he gave Moses his daughter Zipporah in marriage."
--Exodus 2:16-21

4. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
"And let the king appoint commissioners in all the provinces of his kingdom to gather all the beautiful young virgins to the harem in the citadel of Susa under custody of Hegai, the king's eunuch, who is in charge of the women; let their cosmetic treatments be given them. And let the girl who pleases the king be queen instead of Vashti. This pleased the king and he did so."
--Esther 2:3-4

5. A wife?...No!
"I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord; but the married man is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided...So then, he who marries his fiancée does well; and he who refrains from marriage will do better."
--1 Corinthians 7:32-38

So, for those who cannot cope with the implications of the changing definitions of marriage, relax! Let the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, transsexual folks tie the knot . . . it will be God's punishment on them here on Earth . . . Why the hell would anyone want to be married anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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